Monday, June 1, 2009

karate wasn't a hit

at least for today.

we went through the evaluation with the teacher a few days ago.
liam was awesome.
he punched when they said to.
he kicked when they said to.

the teacher said "yeah" and "he'll do great in class".

i left thinking "why am i so scared of this? it will be GOOD for him."

well, today was the first day of class.

i KNEW it from the get-go that he wasn't in the mood.

BUT! i told myself that just because he's autistic doesn't mean we're gonna skip out on things.
i was pumped and ready to go.
i put the "i can do this" face on.

i had a plan.
tim was working tonite which meant i had both the drama queens in tow.
i thought to myself that we would park right in front of the place (glass front) and i would leave the girls in the nice cool van watching a DVD while i overlooked liam in his class from the window.

well...all the good spots were taken, we had to park half a mile away and poo-poo on my awesome plan.

okay...plan B.

i loaded the drama queens into our (amazing, huge bucks i've ever spent) stroller and headed towards karate-ville.

that's when the light REALLY went on.

liam HATED the uniform.
he was overwhelmed at the amount of people there.
he went into "melt-down" mode.

but i kept on.
i told myself, "who cares what people think...we're gonna DO this!"

so i pushed him.

i had a few moments when all (and i mean ALL) eyes were on me.

it was the kindof "eyes on me" where everyone looking at me turned away and pretended that they weren't just staring when i looked around the room for a caring face.

yeah, that kind of look.

finally liam said to me..."go home?" and i swept him out of there as fast as i could.

on the way home i bawled my eyes out and argued with God about quite a few things.

why liam? why me? why? why? why?

maybe i was just trying too hard to help him fit in?

maybe all he really wants is time at home?

i don't know the answers.

i wish he could talk to me.

i guess i just wanted to share this for all the autie mamas that read my blog.

i'm right here with you.

maybe we'll try karate again.
maybe it was just a bad first reaction.
maybe we'll never be into group sports.

time will tell, but i sure as hell tried.


Mrs. Chief said...

oh thought was maybe he needs baby private lessons until he is used to going to the same place, with the same face, in the same uniform...them slowly build up to a group setting. however...poo-poo on someone taking your spot...and i know that was exhausting. Liem will get it...and if you don't push him just a bit, you may never know what works and what doesn't. i would try for the private lessons and see where that goes. Perhaps the paople there would understand and give you a break on the $$ for those lessons motto? It never hurts to ask!

Margo said...

Kudos to you for pulling up your boot straps and trying, and then throwing them down and crying your heart out. You are a strong and caring mother. You amaze me.

Margo said...

Kudos to you for pulling up your boot straps and trying, and then throwing them down and crying your heart out. You are a strong and caring mother. You amaze me.

Kelle Ortiz said...

You tried. That is what counts.

Side note, I took Xavier in for swimming lessons. He would not even walk into the pool area! He wasn't going to participate whatsoever. So, I just asked for my money back and told Xavier he has one more year to be a baby; next year you have to take swimming lessons.
I wasn't going to pay for a kid to cry for thirty minutes on the side of a pool. You know what I mean?
I had to try. And yes, I was getting all the stares from the other people too. It was like the time he was sitting at the bottom of the pool and 3 life guards went after him. Boy, did people stare at me that day. But of course no ones wants to help or offer some helpful words.
Times like these remind me that all moms need a smile and a hand.

granolachic said...

i lived in fear of these moments AFTER jaden's diagnosis...i took a long needed family was a nice break...and when God called me out...i knew when it was time.

even today i catch myself thinking jaden would love something ie baseball or soccer...and then i stop and think that it would disrupt his routine...that school is hard enough much less making him have dinner and bedtime later than his body needs...anyhow...i remember his "special needs" and i will be honest...i think more parents of "typical" children should recognize the same...for their kids and their families...though, i have to be careful not to hold him back from something he is ready for...but i am too scared to let him is so hard to figure out...

i think you do a fantastic job!!!

Tully said...

I don't have kids let alone 3 and the issues you deal with everyday, but I get that feeling you had that day. I get the "Why me God?" questions. I appreciated this entry and your vulnerability.